Make up your own mind – now with extra truth sauce!

McDonalds’ new campaign is designed to dispel age-old myths and prejudices about their product range. Here is a sample of some of the as yet unreleased questions and answers which will banish various vile untruths from the Internet.

Has Ronald McDonald ever been a member of the Nazi Party of the United States of America?

No, he merely innocently accepted several leaflets from a number of party members without realizing where they were from. He later dialed their toll-free number 1-800-NAZI-INFO, again without realizing what it was. Ronald loves all people regardless of their creed, colour or ethnic origin.

Did Ronald McDonald ever share a bed with Michael Jackson and several children?

No, Ronald did not ‘share’ a bed with anyone on the occasion to which you are referring. He was innocently staying as a guest at Neverland Ranch; after a full day of healthy outdoor pursuits, Ronald retired upstairs to sleep. A number of other guests and residents, similarly tired, also slept in his vicinity. That is all.

Is it true that when you harvest cows from the Amazonian basin for use in the Brazilian market that you simply bulldoze them into a giant mulching machine, cows, forest and all?

No, we do not use bulldozers. Also, the alleged presence of DNA belonging to indigenous Amazonian Indians in McDonalds beef patties is well within acceptable limits.

Is the dough used to make McDonalds’ sesame-seed buns ever strained through the skin of freshly slaughtered babies from various third-world trouble spots?

No, this is a pure fabrication. McDonalds’ buns are not made with dough because they are not actually made of bread. They are sugar-yeast hybrids grown in large industrial vats. Rumours that some ‘proto-buns’ have escaped into the sewer system are just that.

Is it true that your products have no flavour except for sugar and salt?

You don’t like sugar and salt?