New Years Resolutions 2007

This year I will:

• Discover a continent
• Acquire, and then cure myself of, a learning disability. One of the sexy ones.
• Take up smoking
• Breed a race of genetically-modified supermen moulded in my terrible image and then have them take over the United Nations one committee at a time. Their capacity to initiate procedural motions will leave all powerless before their awesome bureaucratic prowess. Also, I’ll give them guns.
• Float the peso (on melted garlic butter)
• Write a best-selling novel about an old man who loses his dentures under some sofa cushions and, in searching for them, finds two 20c pieces, some old toast and the love of a Portuguese circus-performer with no armpits.
• Cross-pollinate with a sun flower. A hot one, naturally.
• Walk everywhere (except when I’m tired, in a hurry, disinclined or when it’s simply impractical or otherwise inconvenient)
• Adopt a llama (to be named ‘Pascal Cetacean’), shave it all over, train it to walk on two feet and then enrol it in primary school.
• Develop and market-test my own brand of crabapple-flavoured potato crisps.
• Return Samoa to the Germans.
• Evaporate