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Friday, January 05, 2007

New Years Resolutions 2007

This year I will:

  • Discover a continent
  • Acquire, and then cure myself of, a learning disability. One of the sexy ones.
  • Take up smoking
  • Breed a race of genetically-modified supermen moulded in my terrible image and then have them take over the United Nations one committee at a time. Their capacity to initiate procedural motions will leave all powerless before their awesome bureaucratic prowess. Also, I’ll give them guns.
  • Float the peso (on melted garlic butter)
  • Write a best-selling novel about an old man who loses his dentures under some sofa cushions and, in searching for them, finds two 20c pieces, some old toast and the love of a Portuguese circus-performer with no armpits.
  • Cross-pollinate with a sun flower. A hot one, naturally.
  • Walk everywhere (except when I’m tired, in a hurry, disinclined or when it’s simply impractical or otherwise inconvenient)
  • Adopt a llama (to be named ‘Pascal Cetacean’), shave it all over, train it to walk on two feet and then enrol it in primary school.
  • Develop and market-test my own brand of crabapple-flavoured potato crisps.
  • Return Samoa to the Germans.
  • Evaporate

8 comments:

Spike said...

When you discover this continent you must name everything after your mates and then the ship's cat like all them explorers did.

Kirsty said...

Go with Asperger's, not a learning disability, true, but so much sexier. You get to tell everybody how smart you are and be very rude about it.

Happy New Year!

Anonymous said...

like the crab-apple chip idea, but don't quite see the point in the llama. Do you knit? Do you want a child? I mean, what is the motivation here??

Anonymous said...

oh at last. someone with more ambitious NY resolutions than self.

P.S. Lulu is not my cat, as far as I know.

And thanks for nominating me for the Prom Queen Awards -- I would have nominated you but you beat me to it!

Goal Guru said...

LMAO

Can I have your llama after you evaporate? I heard they are great pets.

-Jill

http://www.GoalGuru.com

redcap said...

Didn't Gabriel Garcia Marquez beat you to writing that novel? I think he might also own the patent on shaved llamas and crapabble crisps. Sorry, I meant crabapple.

meva said...

My NY resolutions have already evaporated. But I ate too many salty crisps and, sadly, I'm still here. But a puff of smoke is still likely.

David J said...

Discover a continent what?