Sunday, January 14, 2007

Excerpts From: Timmins Not Timid, The World’s Most Exciting Blog

About me: Hi! My name’s Matt Timmins – I’m a 28 year old office worker. I have a wonderful fiancé – Jennifer – and two Labrador pups called Spanky and Hobo. I live in a charming little house in Canberra which Jen and I rent – but which one day we hope to buy. If the market ever cools down! Oh and I have the world’s most exciting blog. Enjoy!

10 January 2007: had another run in with Big Nose today (you know who I mean). He really is the biggest dickhead on the floor. (And I’m sure he’s using my milk! Too cheap to buy his own) Had to keep my nose (ha!) to the grind-stone all morning.

Finally got away at lunch time. Phew! Went to the doctors about that persistent pain I told you about. Turns out it’s cancer. Again! Testicular this time. Oh man, can you believe it? I only just got over the skin cancer (read about my harrowing yet uplifting dance with death in my October posts).

Got back from lunch and Big Nose and Shit Breath were making all kinds of dumb jokes about balls. Is it possible they could know?

* * *
Oh I forgot. I asked the doctor (Dr Yes, a large very cheerful man with a moon-like face) what could have caused this latest cancer. He didn’t know but it seems likely (to me) that my midnight raid on the control room of the nuclear reactor to prevent it falling into the hands of Black CLAW terrorists might have had something to do with it. The reactor core burst and the corridors flooded with coolant (I should know because I drowned two terrorists in the stuff during mortal hand to hand combat. Also, tore my pants – yes, dear reader, the pants I bought for Grandma’s 80th birthday – bummer – cost me $27 to get them repaired. If you know of a good value repair shop, please drop me a line). Dr Yes was nodding his head (ha!) but his colleague Dr Stogie (who is always smoking a cigar when you see him outside – what’s up with that?) shook his head and said nothing. I can’t stand how he makes me feel so small. He really has a lot to learn in the bedside manner department. Also he’s always cracking onto the nurses which is kind of yucky at his age (61 I think maybe 65 tops).

I was kinda in the dumps going home on the bus. And my multi-trip ticket ran out and I had to pay full fare. It’s so embarrassing when your ticket has run out and the machine beeps at you and the whole bus looks on. The bus driver was one of those grumpy fat guys who act like they’re doing you such a favour by just picking you up.

Then – just before I got home and noticed that some of the neighbourhood kids had knocked down our letterbox again – I was attacked by ninjas. One of their throwing stars just missed my head (note to self: get a hair cut, ha!) and stuck in the wall where the paint is peeling really badly. Gotta get the landlord to repaint because it’s getting beyond a joke.

I disarmed them and pulled their masks off. Turns out they were Black CLAW zombie ninjas. Probably after the jade scorpion which I bought from that peculiar antiques dealer last week – inside the sting are microfilm plans for the X-19 fusion propellant which was, if you recall from my August posts, the subject of an organized crime bidding war.

I was amazed to find that one of the zombie ninjas was my ex-girlfriend Sue. Despite everything it was kind of good to see her again. But all she had to say was ‘brains brains brains’ while drooling and trying to claw my face off. Nothing ever changes, I thought sadly. One of the main reasons we broke up was because she didn’t respect my intelligence.

When I finally got home (making sure the jade scorpion was safe next to the jeweled scarab and the cubic zirconium fruitfly in my secret ‘special stuff’ pouch) I gave Jen a big hug. Because I was a bit depressed she cooked me a really nice meal and then we had a cuddle with the dogs while we watched Simpsons reruns. Bart cracks me up every time! It just serves to remind you what’s really important in life.


meva said...

I was preparing dinner the last time I was attacked by ninjas (yes, I'd managed to procur the plans for the Ruddock cyborg and was close to finding the reason for the compassion blockage). They tried to subdue me with capsicum spray. Fortunately, I dodged while they weaved and the spray ended up in the salad. Very tasty!

elsewhere said...

Are people in their twenties still called 'Matt and Jen'?

Plum's Penny Dreadful said...

I think This might be about My Brother.

redcap said...

Odd how much that reminded me of Scoop. Minus the zombie ninjas, the jade scorpion and the testicular cancer, of course.