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Saturday, March 10, 2007

Three Billy Goats Gruff with self-destructive mutual interdependency issues

Note: Posting will be even more half-arsed and sporadic than usual for the next week as I'll be overseas. Please leave lots of funny and warm comments in the interim to validate me as a human being. See if we can't break double figures, huh?


…. ‘Oh, no! Don't take me. Wait a little till the big Billy Goat Gruff comes. He's much bigger.’

‘Very well! Be off with you,’ said the troll.

But just then up came the big Billy Goat Gruff.

Trip, trap, trip, trap, trip, trap! went the bridge, for the billy goat was so heavy that the bridge creaked and groaned under him.

‘Who's that tramping over my bridge?’ roared the troll.

‘It's I! The big Billy Goat Gruff ,’ said the billy goat, who had an ugly hoarse voice of his own.

‘Now I 'm coming to gobble you up,’


And with that the ‘big’ Billy Goat Gruff’s fa├žade of strength crumbled and he burst into a terrible sobbing.

‘Oh God, don’t eat me. Why are you eating me? Why didn’t you eat my goddamned younger brothers? They told you to wait for me, didn’t they? They said, “don’t eat me, oh no, I’m all trim and gym hardened and buff – wait for lardy mclard-arse Gruff, didn’t they”?’ Said the goat, now shrieking hysterically. Twin trails of snot ran from quivering nostrils parallel to the streaks of hot tears on his cheeks.

‘Well, I’m not big, I’m not fat and if I am, just a little, well, it isn’t my fault. I’m big-boned. It’s freaking genetic. I got my deadbeat Dad’s fatty fat fat chromosomes and they got Mum’s silky lithe chromosomes. And I’ve been paying the price ever since! Those punk arse bitches! How dare they tell you to wait for the porky one! I bet they said I was half-goat and half-pig right? They told you I was adopted and my real Mum was that slutty Meggy McBacon down the road, didn’t they?’

The troll stood there, idly scratching his forehead and regarding the goat coolly.

‘Um, yeah, something like that. One of them said I should actually let you over the bridge so I can see you from behind and check out how your arse wobbles.’ He said, looking over his shoulder at the two younger goats, now making obscene gestures at him from the safety of a nearby hill-side.

The goat sobbed again, holding its chubby face with its hooves.

‘You don’t know what it was like growing up as the fat responsible one. The one who always had to keep a watch on the time, and follow the rules. And clean up after the other two. They were always, like, getting into the fly nanny goats, while I was picking the dags off Dad’s bum. I was always left behind because I’m not as quick as they were. The only reason they were first across the bridge was because I can’t run as fast as them. I try to get to the gym, try to pound the treadmill, but I just don’t have time. If I was a freakin’ part-time student you can freakin bet I’d have time to get in shape but I have to work late at the office. And you know I just grab hamburgers and shit cos I don’t have time to make a salad. And when I get home I’m so tired all I want to do is eat ice cream and watch CSI.’ The goat said, whispering hoarsely.

The troll stared at the larger goat with a mixture of pity and disgust.

‘Look, I hear ya buddy. Here’s what I’m going to do. I’m still gonna eatya. But how about I chase down your brothers and eat them too?’ Said the troll.

The goat blinked back his tears.

‘You could do that?’ He said. ‘Really? I thought you had to stay under the bridge?’

‘You have no idea how handy it is that everybody believes that.’

‘Uh, could you eat the little one first?’ The goat said, now recovering his demeanour somewhat.

‘Eh,’ the troll replied, with a small shrug. ‘Makes no difference to me.’

36 comments:

meva said...

Was that big billy goat's name Cartman? If he was big boned did he have a HUGE bone in his arse?

Enjoy your overseas trip. And feel validated. This is the funniest blog I've read. Don't ever stop.

Ampersand Duck said...

I want all your posts made into a book so that I can sit in the bath or under a tree laughing my guts up there rather than over my keyboard.

redcap said...

Meva, if Cartman has a huge bone in his arse, that must make him a wombat. They have massive arse-bones.

Overseas, eh? Obviously to sign a fabulous, multi-book deal so you can be paid for your sparkling wit?

nick cetacean said...

Er, er, yes, glamourous multi-book publishing deal with one of the world's most prestigious publishing houses, headquarterd in, er,...

Port Moresby.

redcap said...

Ooh, Port Moresby! That will be an interesting spot to visit. Obviously it's a pirate publishing house preparing to take over the world.

Jo said...

I love pirate publishing houses, except they only pay you in pieces of eight.

Pussycat said...

Hmm... chevre.

Safe travels in PM, NC.

DonkeyBlog said...

Moresby's awesome ... and the book deal, if this post is anything to go by, is in the bag.

Go easy on the betelnut.

killerrabbit said...

Ahhh that well known Port Moresby publishing house. Known primarily for its detective fiction and how to manuals.

nick cetacean said...

Greetings from sunny and smoky Port Moresby -- no publishing deal as yet.... though plenty of nibbles from strange men who eye me strangely in the street.

Also I got stuck in the lift for 20 minutes....

redcap said...

There you go - double figures. And you didn't even need a visit from the phantom bong shop guy who spammed Petstarr and me.

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